First came the wheel.
Then the printing press, disposable diapers, taco-flavored Doritos and the interwebs.
Now, I have in my possession the next great invention to change mankind -- the mobile, remote control Georgia Bulldogs cooler.
My daughter secured the 2019 Robbins of the Year award by bringing this cooler home over her Thanksgiving break.
She originally had bought the cooler at an auction for her brother, whose birthday is next week.
I took one gander at the custom-built cooler with wheels and nixed that ridiculous notion.
"How about this -- instead of giving your brother this cooler, we'll get him a new car and I'll take the cooler."
Not really a fair, equitable arrangement, but he's young. He'll get over being bamboozled.
Allow me to describe this cooler, which is made by the geniuses at C3 Customer Cooler Creations. It is red with a white cooler top, the old-school Georgia Bulldog positioned on the lid. On the front, next to the headlights, is emblazoned "Go Dawgs!" On the sides are the "G" logo.
It has speakers on the back, next to holders for the remote control and MP3 cord. The cooler has three speeds and can be steered through the remote.
There are strict rules for the cooler, which I have named Goldberg. They are found in the 40-page owner's manual. Among the rules (not made up, by the way) are:
• Never ride in or on top of the cooler.
• Cooler can only be operated by people ages 16 and older (my youngest son wasn't very pleased with this regulation).
• Never leave cooler unattended.
I doubt I'm going to be able to abide by this rule. I slept next to it the first two nights, but was too lazy to carry it up the stairs to my bedroom the next evening.
• Always wear shoes when operating cooler.
Again, perhaps a little too stringent in Georgia.
• Do not wash with a hose, soap or water.
I assume that if the cooler is exposed to water, it becomes a Gremlin.
I tested it out Thanksgiving day, taking it out for a walk, getting the mail. I tried to send it to the convenience store down the street to pick up some ice but found out the range was limited to about 400 yards.
Goldberg's working debut came Saturday when Georgia played Georgia Tech. Positioned around the corner from my chair, it was iced down and filled with Coke Zeros and Fanta Grapes for the game. Pregame, it played Clisby Clarke and the Allman Brothers through its speakers. Whenever I needed refreshment, I just reached out to the remote control and steered Goldberg to my side, where it served me with purpose and clarity.
I was in television-watching Nirvana, eliminating that bothersome need to get up and walk 11 to 15 feet to get a cold beverage. The days of living in those dark ages are indeed over, thanks to the brilliant inspiration that created Goldberg and his brothers and sisters of invention. Only one obstacle now exists to achieve my lifelong dream of never having to get up while watching a game, Martin Scorsese movie or "Andy Griffith Show" marathon -- a couch or chair that also doubles as a toilet.
This is your charge, science people. The NCAA basketball tournament is a mere four months away.
Len Robbins is the editor of the Clinch County News.