Len Robbins: Thou shalt read funny church signs

Len Robbins

As I pulled up to the church on the day I would be married, the sign in front of the church carried an ominous message:

“Day of triumph or day of tragedy?”

After much thought, I decided the sign was much too vague, and went inside and got married anyway.

Ever since that “day of triumph” (thank you, God), I have taken a more acute interest in church signs. While many view churches as solemn and stoic places of worship, some obviously have a keen wit about them — or at least the person who comes up with the sign message does.

Here are some actual signs in front of churches — some hilarious, some poignant, some corny — but all real, for your perusal:

• Have trouble sleeping?

We have sermons — come hear one!

• Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

• The 10 Commandments are not multiple choice.

• Adam and Eve — the first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

• Soul food served here.

• Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.

• Tweet others as you would like to be tweeted.

• This is a CH_ _CH. What’s missing? UR.

• If Darwin is right, you’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

• Plenty of folks give the Lord credit — few give him cash!

• God made round faces; man makes‘em long.

• TITHE! Anyone can honk!

• At the heart of every sin is "I."

• Too hot to keep changing signs. Sin bad. Jesus good. Details inside.

• Under same management for 2,000 years.

• Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!

• Wanted: Singers — Inchoir Within.

• Kmart isn’t the only saving place!

• Don't make me come down there. — God.

• A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

• If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

• If you’re lost, directions inside.

• Church parking only — violators will be baptized.

• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

• May is God’s apology for February.

• You have one new friend request from Jesus.

• Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.

• To belittle is to be little.

• God answers knee mail.

• Free trip to heaven. Details inside.

• No God — no peace. Know God — know peace.

• This church is prayer-conditioned.

• Travel agency — free brochures inside.

• Love your neighbor — yes, that one too.

• Chicken supper, 8 p.m. Come in for a wing and a prayer.

• God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

• Unlimited minutes. Kneel to apply.

• Attend church weekly — not weakly.

• Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Don’t think that one was meant to be funny.

Len Robbins is the editor of the Clinch County News.

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